2011/ Codependent No More

 

I'll be honest. I was going to make one of those lists. Those accomplishments for the year. How I've been published, taught a a class, curated outrageous art events, been a featured performer, a grantee (twice), a panelist, a singer on stage (and in a studio), and approached to do a photo series for a fancy company.

I was going to write about all the conferences I attended, the important moments, my first creative consulting clients,  the interfaith work, Occupy wall street sleepovers, collaborations, my first artist residency, my first films.

But here's the thing- 100% the biggest game changer for me was in September/Late August when I finally realized I was codependent. Not only me, but my mom, my grandmother, and many of my friends. This one truth has been hardest to grapple with and effects everything from my relationships with friends, to family, to lovers.

Going into 2012 it's all about ME. Taking personal responsibility, and finally asking the question

"What do I want?"

- not what do I think YOU want & not what SHOULD I want.

It's absolutely the most difficult thing. Codependency includes control issues, guilt issues, self-esteem issues, and it means changing every thought process. This shift means taking it easier on myself yet expecting more. It means asserting boundaries and sticking to them. It means respecting others inclinations. It means admitting that I am deserving.


So cheers. Cheers to healthier relationship patterns, to self-care, to asking for what I want, to following my bliss, and allowing you to follow yours.

 
By Lenora Jayne

"I wake alone- pretend that I am finally home."

Good morning.
I'm up and it's just barely light out, the sky is yawning, the most ambitious birds sneaking in their first chirps. It doesn't feel real- this navy sky moment before the world breaks out into vivid song.

But here I am. I fly to las vegas today. I am going to a marketing meeting today. I am renting photo equipment today. I am taking a shower today. I am sending a lover something sweet in the mail today. I am going to smile today. I will look nicer than usual today. I will spend time with my dad today.

The title of this post is from one of my favorite old Cursive songs. The Recluse.
It's pretty heart-wrenching. More than I feel at the moment, but here's the thing- I've been traveling since June and it's hard to remember the definition of home. Is it where you sleep at night? Where your family is? Where you're paying rent? Where you reside? Where your things are? Where people know you? Where you helped paint the walls? A place where you feel safe?

Sometimes I think home is in the arms of another, but see- then a breakup renders you homeless.

I have paid mortgages and taken out loans for a home built of love. So many times over. Still I only have this plot of land inside my chest.

 I am going to build a garden where my heart should be.

Medium Format Crush

It costs so much to develop & scan, and you  can only use a few of every roll, but damn- talk about gorgeous grain. Taken with Lomography Lubitel.

Vintage Beauty, North Carolina

"All the words you say at the end of the day"

Dark Dark Dark- Say the word

I can never forget the ceviche.

Every time I juice a lime, there's you in my kitchen that day.

Table set, meal prepared, tequila cocktail at the ready-

all that love squeezed into all that raw pink.

Me, work-weary & you, like silver, just polished.

Serving shine. I smiled so wide

a circus set up shop on my chin 

and used my lips for trapeze.

A hologram of the nothing that once was something.

Fresh citrus sting from fingertip to heart-folder: open memory. 

I am switching to the bottled kind to practice kitchen safety.

I do not wish to squeeze.

Dark Dark Dark- Bright Bright Bright

Fine Art Film Sneak Peek "Somewhere Elsewhere"

Here you go: the first peek at my first still from my first short film series.

A day of firsts. First thing in the morning.

(styling, directing, shoot, makeup, all of it- by yrs truly.)

North Carolina: Asheville