Tuesday, September 30, 2008

You're a crisis. You're an Icicle.

I had Hypnotherapy and Reiki done (by my cousin) for the first time ever on friday.

It really opens you up, leads you down the dark pathways of your subconcious and shines a flashlight on the nooks and crannies.

I realized how tight my heart was. I thought I was healed, but I was so wrong. 

Heart, whats wrong? My heart says "I miss you"

My heart misses the me who I was before the messy breakup. The girl in love with the world. you know, like the elliot smith song. I haven't felt anything fully, I haven't gotten attached. Not really. I get close and then I lose emotion, or they reject me, or some other equally shitty thing happens.

It's time to do the dirty search again, whisk out the can opener and start on my metal heart.

Speaking of missing, my grandma got citizenship. and she's going to Iran for a year. No more waking up to the smell of that day's dinner on the stove, no more fixed zipper, no more beautiful wrinkles, no more sweet scent and persian TV sound from the basement, no more crazy lady running around muttering conspiracy theories and good natured criticisms. 

This weekend was lovely.
Danced at the burlesque show with the hottest girls. burlesque crowds really know how to make you feel appreciated as a performer. Went to a gay party I've been meaning to go to for a while, made out with a girl, went home with a boy. You know how it goes...

On friday I was a squat kid/crust punk/junkie's girlfriend for about two hours. Had some time to kill in Tompkins- I was writing when the crust kids and neighborhood dopeheads all arrived to buy the goods. I got to watch 30 people shoot up, and one particularly cute kid hit on me because I looked lonely. Some on-the-road piercer. took me to starbucks and got me a frapp. walked me down st. marks introducing me as his significant other. I helped him spange for money for detox pills and left him with a kiss on the cheek.

New dilemma: when dating (biological) boys, all the self-image issues I thought I'd dropped are somehow still there. I have this instant desire to lose 20 pounds. I compare myself to exes and oh's.  When I'm with girls we can revel in the imperfections, but with boys- I feel them highlighted.  Or maybe it's because the boy I have a crush on is the scrawniest tattooed boy around, carries hair products with him, and has a thing for girls who are about 100 pounds.


In the works:

Job (still. economy played me for a fool)
Art show (looking to curate one!)
Bartending (learn it)
Modeling. (money)


IF I DON'T HAVE A JOB THAT USES MY BRAIN IN TWO WEEKS I'M APPLYING FOR STARBUCKS OR BECOMING A STRIPPER.

That is my disclaimer.

Needle in the hay is out and over.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

presumably, the title being the hypnodiagnosis.

how does it work?

does one remain conscious throughout, or you wake to a recount of your ramblings to make sense of collaboratively?

Najy said...

no actually! The title is a overdramatic quote pulled from an elliot smith song.
The hypnosis doesn't actually put you under, at least not what I had. Plus my cousin does a unique mix of energy healing, talk therapy and hypnosis. Mostly the hypnosis serves to keep you in a more relaxed and open mental state so that you answer the questions more honestly and you are more receptive to healing!

JNG said...

why hello

Cristal Rose said...

Well.. hanging out with junkies and crazies can unintentionally bring chaos into your body and mind, even if you think your guards are up. Bad breakups and the people who broke you are so affecting, cut the cords between them and you. Its clear that he still has a direct connection with you, he's probably consuming your body by occupying your mind. Does your stomach/head/back hurt a lot now? Find yourself in nature, and leave behind the cracks in the sidewalk that let dirt flood into your soul when things start raining down. There are powers to being a woman that need not get into the wrong hands.

Najy said...

Crystal Rose! Hi!

The chaos was more needed that I knew, it was the nice see-life-from-another-perspective sort of evening.

The cords between the breakup and I are cut, but there are still mutual friends. It's more the memories that hurt. I need to really allow myself to love again- and as much as I wish for it to happen, life is taking its sweet ole' time.

I understand your advice and heed your words. I'm working on it, sugar.

Lucia said...

i'll give you art to curate if you find a place to put it.

Najy said...

lucia, beautiful (it is the one I'm thinking of right?)

it's not finding the art that's difficult, it's a place to put it. the place is in the works-

however, I love what I saw of your work. are you in new york now?

Irina Sarnetskaya said...

Where is your art venue to host the show?

And how does one subscribe to your blog?

saxyrockr said...

Rock on then girl.

I'm glad to you know what you need and are aware.

Hope we can dance rock out soon!

-Cristal