models are to be seen and not heard. and then sometimes I like to rant.

And sometimes at 4 am on a saturday morning when i decide to forego dancing all night because I'm cold and tired and leaving the house sounds unappealing I decide to watch shitty TV and there's that scene where 2 people kiss in the rain where it's so intense the camera circles around them and everything becomes a blur and water is in their face and probably up thier nose and maybe they are shivering a little too but they are full body kissing hands under shirts and in hair-

times like these I miss you. I see us in my head and my life is better than this stupid show. that week with the rainstorms so epic it took me two hours to drive 15 minutes and I watched you raft down what used to be a creek and I ran after you to save you because I thought you died when you didn't show up on the other side of those trees and I knew then I loved you because I would have jumped into that muddy water for you without thinking twice.

and I've never felt more alive than when I thought I was dying I mean really I guess that's fucked up to say but that fight we had where I cried so hard I puked a little? that was living and feeling with every pore of my body but I don't do that anymore because I know better. I practice safe sex not the kind I learned about in school no im not talking about condoms and spermicide I mean before I take my clothes off I hide my heart in something hard and cool and I know the rules about never cuddling too much never getting comfortable never letting yourself wake up in a pool of someone else's sweat

because if you don't get close you won't get stuck or at least it will take longer and everyone's down to play the distance game. I live in new york city, we are the masters of the casual encounter even if we are dating for 7 months I will never know if my body fits yours but I knew with him the first time we spent the night together and I knew so much I couldn't speak for 2 hours after and he was the only thing that existed in the rain and later the only thing by the fireplace and the only shoulder as safe as my parents

but shoulders are lies and rain is a lie and hey maybe the kiss is a lie and in search of honesty I've just preffered to keep my reality sterile. you keep your shoulders and spooning and romantic moments. romance is just a word I tattoo behind my ear so it's a part of me even when it isn't I hid it somewhere I can't see for a reason

I miss real things but I've grown complacent with complacent and that's sad for someone like me always chasing the ski jumps and 6 am dancing sad because I didn't go out and I sat at home and shivered and accidentally ended up missing you when what I really miss is nothing because I feel nothing and what we had was nothing or you made it nothing by never speaking to me again and sleeping with other people and I don't miss you I guess just the moment when someone touches you and everything else melts away and it's ok to let go and say fuck it and take the goddamn condom off your emotions and let your heart get rubbed so raw it's sore in the morning and you have trouble closing it for a few days after the fact.