As a model, I spent a large amount of time pretending to be someone else.
But I didn't realize how much of every day, everyone is acting.
You pretend to not sleep with girls in the conservative office, you pretend to have a boyfriend when the boys bother you, you pretend you are someone else, somewhere else, something else.
we have drama clubs, acting classes, drag queens, trannies.
we are not ourselves. we are more ourselves that we'd care to admit.
The other day, I began to wax nostalgic for playing pretend as a kid- but I play dress up + imagination games more now than I ever did then. but now I stay in same world.
I'm not some orphan living alone in the woods (think boxcar children), or a fairy princess with magical powers.
When I go to the hipster club, gay club, burning man party, poetry reading, work- I put on a persona. I dress it up, I act the part (just like anyone).
This rant is inspired by failed attempts to flirt with a girl when I wasn't dressed the part. Inspired by my fake name at photoshoots. Inspired by the girl who said reading this is like reading about "najy" who intimidates her, because she knows and loves "najva".
This rant is inspired by my one friend who is too girly for girls, for kids playing on the playground and making it a pirate ship or quicksand, for the girl who is just insane enough to compliment someone's eyeballs because it's really the first compliment she thought of and not because it sounds interesting.
I want to know if it's possible to be yourself every minute of the day. If pretending is a necessity. I have this hair-brained notion that inside all my facades, there is what is essentially me (visually, it'd be a glowing gold nugget of truth). And sometimes I consciously deny it, or ignore it, or I show bits and pieces of it...
But what if I didn't give a fuck and did what it said all day? ignoring the fact that dressing would be impossible (which outfit is really me? that's a good question to ask if you never want to leave the house)- what would happen?
no fake names, no fake answers for the harassers on the street, no lying, no faux-flirting, no games, no biting my cursing tongue in front of the kids, no wigs, no drag.
I'd lose a lot. a whole lot.
Thankfully, I love my multiple personalities- and they (except for the depressed, self- loathing one) love me right back.
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I am tired, speedy, full.
It is morning, though you can't tell in my batcave-room.
I went on a spender drinker thinker bender tonight.
So when I got home, I watched "castle in the sky" and wrote this.
It is 8:18 AM and I am tired of New York City.
I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life and I am trying not to think about it. My ex used to have a rule (which we never really followed) that says not to dwell on deep topics after 2 AM.
So I'll empty my mind here, then try to sleep.
THOUGHT VOMIT:
-what grad school? MFA poetry? MA English/Journalism/Sociology? Business classes? Lawyer?
-Why did L have so much girl drama?
-Why are people attracted to people who look just like them? (i.e. not me. lame)
-What a waste of mascara.
-Crookers kid cudi remix pretty much owns my soul.
-Though I'm not always having sex, my bed is rarely empty.
-Tomorrow night/ sunday AM I leave for philly.
-We need more smutty artists.
-I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat.
-does having sex on the bathroom floor with someone 30 minutes after I meet them make them less attractive to me? does that make me a bad person if it does?
-I should get HIV tested.
-I'm tired.
Goodnight. morning. whatever the fuck.
10 comments:
wow that was actually something real i havent read in a while. Its true, everyone always acts like someone else and of course wants to be something. Thats why theres a milli fake ppl all around u. And esp in NYC alone, where everyone is trying to become something.. your going to face alot of fake ppl. But thats okay tho. Let them play their part, u just gotta know how to play it back. Like u said, if u go out and just be "you" u'll lose alot. So anyways ur still young, u got alota time before ur stuck with one job. Be freee!
Here's my question- sometimes when we act we are fake, but aren't we sometimes MORE ourselves too?
thanks for the comment, poon.
dude, you're not fat, you're hot.
everyone (via facebook) has been zeroing in on that.
and here goes:
i was simply writing my thoughts. I know (most of the time) that i'm not fat. but sometimes at 8 in the morning after drinking all night and eating 4 tacos I just feel those words echo in my head.
I think we zeroed in on that because it is the easiest to argue with.
I can't as easily tell you "dude, you're not yourself."
it involves a bit more existentialism.
I maintain that you're hot. aesthetics is easy. love, love.
You are an hour glass, dear.
It is "you" to have many personalities. That's what makes *you* so interesting. If you had only one personality (like some people do) then I may not be reading your blogs or commenting. ...As long as you're not lying to yourself, of course.
Ayo kid, kick it to the good beat. You been back in the town for not but a couple months and the heavy heavy got you down? Shiiit, it got'sta take more than that!
I made a pact to never, ever lie to myself. And I don't- as far as I can help it.
And greatest MC, who could you be? You wouldn't happen to be a D+B MC...
(wow that all rhymes.) It's not the NYC heavy heavy it's the travel bug, the uncertain future nausea and all the dizziness of lost youth.
It's ok though, I'm healing. Thanks for the "chin up, kid" comment.
I'm not too girly for girls per se, just the gay ones. Pah!
Costumes and roles are not unauthentic selves. Every single persona that we put on reflects an aspect that we have within ourselves, perhaps magnified or perhaps downplayed. When I dress up like a ridiculous UFO-bedecked candy raver, it's because a little part of me is there, even though it is not my "everyday" or essential identity. This is true even if it's a blatantly false image; like me dressing up like a preppy UES girl, it's valid as a complete opposite.
When you dress up in tuxedo shirts and a bowler hat, it's because a small part of you identifies with some aspect of that persona; whether it's the masculine attitude or just the gamine-esque glamour. It might not be your everyday you, but it's not so far from the truth as it may seem.
Remind me to show you the readings from my Fashioning Power class; there's a whole bunch of interesting info about costuming and actors that backs me up.
absolutely. At the end of the day I'm just doll parts.
and I totally want to read whatever you have to show me from your fashion cass!
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