Sunday, August 24, 2008

On Loving Yourself:


Let us begin by saying this- I didn't always.
In second grade, I was the girl who ran home and sat in front of the mirror-determined, hairbrush in hand, to make my hair straight and shiny like the other girls. No such miracle occured. I hated my curls.


But things happened. Time passed. In fourth grade I wore limited too leggings and read too many books and kids called me wierd. I decided right then that wierd was better than normal and took it as a compliment. They'd say angry things to me and I'd smile and say thanks. Sometimes I cried about it when nobody was looking.

Fast forward to middle school. I wore t-shirts that said "you laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same" and pants with inseams as large as I could find. Freaking people out was a daily drug. I fit in absolutely nowhere and had few real friends. In times of pain, I cut myself and wrote cliche poems about comitting suicide. Lets not even talk about kittie, coal chamber, papa roach, or Korn. please.

By early high school I had an eating disorder. Let me say one thing: if you love yourself, you do not have an eating disorder. I got my self-worth from how many people thought I was attractive, how many people I kissed that day, and how many girls I was skinnier than. Then a boy broke my heart for a girl who was fatter. I started reading beautiful poems and having goals and began to think, maybe, that hating yourself wasn't the way to go.

I had an acid trip where two girls ditched me to make out and I talked to my face as it melted in the mirror. My arms hugged my heart and breast and my lips said: you are all you need.

My mother took me to watch What The Bleep Do We Know and I saw the girl write love all over her body. I saw the crystals of water turn into heaven when the word love was written on them and I wondered if I too could be more beautiful if I fed myself only beautiful words. I resolved not to put myself down anymore.

Somewhere along the way I learned to take a compliment. To just say thanks instead of "but... blah blah blah here are the ways you are wrong which you didn't notice but now I will point out to you."

I fell in love again with a boy. It seemed that he loved me enough to make up for my issues. This is not true. Nobody can ever love you enough to make up for your issues.

As I learned confidence, he spat the words attention whore and vain at me like curses. These are not bad things, he was just insecure. It took me a while to realize that. I am proud to be hot and energetic and friendly and colorful and there is no way I'll ever stop shining brightly

But just last year, I sat with my friends Amy and Chelsea in a cabin by the woods having one of those serious late night talks about life when chelsea asked me abruptly:

"wait, do you love yourself?"
...duh. but her and amy looked at me in disbelief. no, most people don't. sad but true.

All around me are talented, stunning, sweet, sexy people who are literally dripping with self-loathing. They blame themselves for things that go wrong and can't take a kind word to heart. They beat themselves down. They never feel comfortable, always unsure of how another person feels, if they look ok...

These people are difficult to be around. Self-haters of the world, you're not doing me any favors.
you mistake strength for haughtiness and carry guilt everywhere. You make me feel selfish for knowing what I want, and you are always misplacing your self-esteem.

Here's what it is, girls and boys and everything in between-

You can't keep depending on others for your self worth (SELF worth.)
Be your own best friend.

if I fucked up, and we were friends, what would you do?

blame me, hate me, punish me?
or love me, console me, cheer me up?
Do it for yourselves. Tell yourself how fantastic you look everyday before leaving the house.
treat yourself. don't judge. just like you accept that one friend who is always 30 minutes late to everything- accept your own need to cuddle someone at least once a week. or that you are sometimes slower at finishing projects.

you only get to live once and you are your own greatest asset.

I am who I am. I fucking love who I am. And I'm not apologizing to anyone.

12 comments:

Irina Sarnetskaya said...

<3

Thank you.

AK said...

lady, i love you.

Najy said...

I did it, i promised.

girls I love you too.

Genevieve said...

So, I'm not going to go into intense detail, but the similarities situation between you and I, and how we followed this path like this, are astounding. I loved reading this - and I'll tell you more about why over a glass of shiraz...

Najy said...

it's a deal, G.

to be discussed.

Space Station Mir said...

and you say it so eloquently into the bargain!

I could not agree more with everything you've said.

Najy said...

I'm glad you agree!

I never know if I should be allowed to rant about things with any validity at the age of twenty.

hm.

Miss Stephanie Rae said...

Bravo! I love this!

madlux said...

i am a b class stalker. i saw you once at a party someplace...and my what beautiful... everything. myspace leads to blog space... and now i've read your beautiful words. coming around to loving myself has been the best ride... i never wanna get off. everyone should feel this... it's magic.

Najy said...

thanks stephanie.

and madlux, i appreciate your honest =) It's been a crazy game of poker learning to love myself too, but you'd already know that.

Lets spread the love [shit, I sound like a hippie.]

Aria said...

thank you.
i love you immensely.

natti said...

when i am dripping with self-loathing, i am my own best towel.