Vanity, Rollercoaster Zen, and Burning Man-ia

Vanity, thy name is boredom with a new CF card.


There is excitement in the air.
Dreams, American Dreams of burning men and deserts and costumes.
10 people (4 high school friends) camping for a week among thousands and thousands
dancing to all music meeting all people taking Polaroids and hallucinogens
giving old costumes and kisses and onthespot personalized poems
coming home to some address that includes a time as a cross street
and sleeping in a silver dome in the dark sky spotted with blinking LED stars

Before all this is the time for lists.
I make lists of all the lists I must make: fulbright, job search, apartment, burning man
contemplate modeling nude and stalk people online
wish people missed me who don't, get surprised when others do
dilly dally on the net till I get fidgety and instead I do what I do everyday-
make my grandmother smile. It's kind of like taking over the world, pinky.
Today I took her to see Mamma Mia, and I got a huge smile in return.

Two nights ago I went to county fair
went upside down and backwards, lived weightlessly and decided
that it's really zen riding rollercoasters because you really have to live in the moment.
ate funnel cake and didn't care if I was sugar dusted.
screamed out everything I'd been holding in.

Stopped in the middle of the street on the ride home to headbang/dance with the seatbelts on like one of those sappy movie moments to jimmy eat world's "the middle" singing " Live right now. Yeah, just be yourself. It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else." and climaxing on "Everything will be allright!" as though it was some sort of gospel.

I really do live for moments like that.

There is something horribly unsatisfying about spending the entire day in front of a computer screen. Despite all common sense that this is necessary to do everything, it still serves only to stress me out and shorten my temper.

I was never happier than when I owned very little and never stopped moving.
Staying ahead of one's own desire for momentum relieves stress.

I have only recently realized the weight of owning THINGS. How heavy it is. How much care must go into it. How much energy. Very soon, I'll be stripping myself down to the bones.

speaking of bones, I have a 4 gaping holes in my mouth. to the bone.
I'm not supposed to smoke.


I am not supposed to think about the girls.
I can't blame them though.

I make it hard for them to hold on to me.
How can water be mad at the hands for the cracks it slips through?

I am libra.
I am indecisive air.

Instead of goodbye I leave you with this.

[I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.]

Margaret Atwood.